Why Stalker Should Not Write Self Inserts
by Stalker of Stories
Summary: A bunch of self-insert one-shots; what would really happen if Stalker of Stories landed in various fandoms? Not the cliche, that's for sure. Includes Yaoi, Yuri, and Het jokes, fangirling, and some social commentary. Also spoilers. Lots of spoiler alert.
1. Final Fantasy VII

**Important: Before we begin, I have a bit of explaining to do on the premise of this series. Basically, this is what would happen if I was thrown into any of the fandoms I like/know, and some I dislike/have only heard of. The titles will be the fandom that this particular one-shot is for – this one, for example, is Final Fantasy VII – and none of them are actually connected. So you can just peek through to find the fandoms you are familiar with.**

**And remember, this is why I SHOULDN'T be writing self-inserts, because this is probably what would happen if I were tossed into these realities... and if I was more fangirly that I already am.**

**On with the show!**

Warnings: Fangirling, parody, game spoilers

Disclaimers: Final Fantasy VII belongs to SquareEnix. I do not own the Self-Insertion idea. However, I like to think I own myself. May or may not be right though.

Featuring: Your ever so wonderful Authoress and the cast of Final Fantasy 7

Final Fantasy VII

I frowned. It had been a week since I landed outside of Corel, and so far I hadn't been able to do... anything. Surely I had read some really stupid fanfic where the main character landed in some random world with cool clothes and instant fighting skills. In fact, there were quite a few out there. Well, either they had instant skills or they somehow got roped into joining the main plot line or... or _anything_.

But I was still entirely me. Average height, poofy short brown hair, blue eyes, shitty vision, and my clothes weren't even any good. The same thin jeans that I had worn to school that day, the same red t-shirt proclaiming that I was naked (and wasn't _that_ embarrassing to explain to the locals!), black trench coat to mid-calf...

Well, aside from the velcro on my shoes being worth enough gil to buy a drink, nothing really changed. I mean, my shoes didn't have any velcro anymore and the drink – orange juice from concentrate – tasted like shit, but aside from _that_ there wasn't anything different about me.

And gods damn it! I was bored. And hungry. And wondering why the hell I hadn't met Cloud or Yuffie or – dare I say it – Vincent yet. Yuffie and Vincent were always my favorite characters in Final Fantasy VII. The hyperactive ninja chick who I sometimes emulated when on a sugar rush and the anti-social quasi-vampire-demon-assassin? What wasn't there to love about them? And the fanfictions out there about them only made it better!

In a huff, I glared up at the sky. Okay, I was being a little bratty, but it was well deserved! I was missing school – I _like_ my classes, thank you very much – for no reason except to sit in this stupid slummy-mining town and starve to death.

It wasn't until I saw a bit of yellow in my vision that I looked up and almost jumped for joy.

Cloud was entering the town with the full party. Tifa and Barret walked abreast of him, talking about something (but they suck so I didn't pay any attention), while Aeris tried to play peacemaker and Cid swore up a storm about the shitty conditions of this damn slum. Behind him strode Nanaki and Cait Sith, one walking awkwardly and the other with his nose to the ground to sniff out... eh, well, something. In the back of the group, Yuffie was badgering Vincent, and my eyes lit up.

This had to be when they were going to Dio for the Key. Aeris was alive, but they had Cid and Vincent, so there was no other time frame.

"No freaking way," I was completely dumbstruck. I knew this would happen eventually, it had to, but having them in front of me... They looked only a little younger than they had in Advent Children, but less CGI, which was pretty obvious. They didn't even notice me following them onto the trolley to the Golden Saucer.

Well, okay, Nanaki and Vincent did, but they're way cool and probably just thought I wasn't a threat... which I wasn't. But that's beside the point! I stared at them the entire way up, and they did notice me, but they seemed to just think I was a creepy stalker or something.

Ironic? Very much.

The trolley reached the saucer in a matter of minutes, and if I hadn't played the game so many times I would have been surprised at the Golden Saucer, but I wasn't. I got off right behind them, and Cloud showed his expensive pass that would let him in whenever he wanted. It extended to anyone brought with him, so I pretended I was and the door guard didn't look at me twice.

Score one for looking totally average!

However, beyond the entry, everyone turned around and gave me a look. Okay, not everyone, but Barret glared, Vincent didn't really have a facial expression (so cool!), while Nanaki just kinda sniffed at me, also glaring (how could an animal, even one as cool as him, do that?), and Cloud...

Let's just say if looks could kill, his Buster Sword would be long since obsolete.

"Why are you following us?" Cloud's tone was low and even.

"Er... it's just..." my brain was kind of dead. It was like Trigonometry all over again. Or Japanese when I had it in the morning. Or most times when I was called upon for any sort of social interaction. Right, time for some false bravado! "You guys are AVALANCHE!" I paused. "How the hell did my voice go into CAPS LOCK?"

In that instant, however, I had several weapons ready to turn me into ribbons.

"An' how the _hell_ do you know that?" Barret growled. His gun arm was directed at me. I couldn't recall what that particular model was, but since I didn't use him in battle unless I _had_ to, that was a given.

"I know lots of stuff about you guys," I instantly saw my chance and the small confidence boost was the sign I gave myself as to how I should be divulging for the future. "Like Tifa is a hand to hand specialist trained by a Wutaian emigrant who settled in Nibelheim. Nanaki – do you guys call him Nanaki or Red XIII? - is the last of his race from Cosmo Canyon. Cid is an ex-pilot from Rocket Town, and he was supposed to go into space but that rocket won't be flown until Shinra tries to send the Big Materia at Meteor. Vincent is an ex-Turk who was shot in the chest by Hojo and experimented on. He's Sephiroth's dad. Barret is from Corel and is blamed for it being the crappy little shit-hole that it is now. Yuffie is the princess of Wutai and out to steal your materia. Aeris is the last of the Cetra and is going to die at the end of the disc. And Cloud is _not_ an ex-SOLDIER, he's just a nut-job whose memories are blurred with those of Zack Fair."

They stared at me for a moment.

"What the fuck are you smokin' girly, an' where can I get some of that shit?" Cid was laughing now. He probably thought I was insane.

"Reality, and you'll all believe me by disc two," I paused. "Oh, and Cait Sith is really Reeve of Shinra. They have Marlene." At this point I kind of realized I shouldn't have said anything and made to escape, but I wasn't the fastest person out there.

Now I'm enlisted as AVALANCHE's official pack-mule, since I'm not really good for anything else. I knew too much for them to let me fall into Shinra's hands, but they also didn't want to kill me. The fact that I had information on them all that Shinra couldn't lent some credit to me, otherwise they really might have killed me. Well, Vincent might have, the others are more squeamish about killing in cold blood.

Nowadays I usually go look for cool items while they try to get through the story, but having to carry a bazillion extra weapons for everyone is _exhausting_. And I have to stay close enough that I won't be attacked by monsters, but my "HP" is at about Level Two, or so everyone always tells me. Honestly, I'm surprised I'm not considered level one.

I really wish I hadn't opened my mouth on this one. Though now Aeris has survived through the summoning of Holy, I can't help but wonder how things will change.

Only time will tell. For now, I found a materia earlier, and I'm going to see if I can use it without killing myself.

**Author's Note: The idea for this series was spurred from me trying to find fanfiction for Final Fantasy 9 and finding none of it was good. Somehow, that led to me wanting to write a bunch of Self-Insert one-shots. We'll see how it goes.**


	2. Fruits Basket

Warnings: Contains minor Fruits Basket spoilers, crude language, mentioned nudity, malevolence, mentioned slash-ish, and the authoress being evil

Disclaimers: I do not own Fruits Basket; hell I don't even _like_ it. Dunno who wrote it because it sucks and I don't care.

Featuring: Various Furuba characters, your wonderful Authoress, and a cameo appearance from Orpheus Thanatos Messiah

Fruits Basket

When I landed here, I knew exactly where I was… unfortunately. It was probably because, at the time that I had blanked out, I had made the mistake of trying once again to read the manga that my friends laud and I abhor.

Fruits Basket.

I only had a moment of wondering _what_ had happened and if it was real. I didn't pinch myself, because I know all too well that in a dream you can think you are in pain. It wouldn't have worked, but I realized soon enough that this was really real.

The situation and my location were made doubly apparent when I saw the house before me. How many times had I seen it in my original attempt at reading that stupid piece of Shoujo crap? Too many. I had to wait a few moments for my night vision to come into play – should I be disappointed that my night vision is better than my day vision or grateful? – but when it did I could clearly make out the home of Souma Shigure, complete with his editor passed out on the welcome mat.

Unlike Shigure, I was a good person… okay, maybe not. I revel in schadenfreude too much for that. But I still moved the editor into a more comfortable position and off the concrete. From what I recalled, Shigure was pretty much an asshole, so I felt that the poor woman needed a break from that ass.

With that complete, I already had my goal in mind. How many times had I hoped that I could do this sort of thing? I hated Fruits Basket, and only a few characters were at all tolerable – namely Kyou, Hatsuharu (only in "black" mode though), and the little girl… I don't even remember her name – so I supposed I could be glad for the chance to avenge the time wasted on this cut-rate manga.

I stalked around the back of the house and was pleased to find the back door was unlocked. I could see a form collapsed on the floor with a sake bottle nearby. He was clearly an adult, so I assumed that this was Shigure.

It took ten minutes of creeping about quietly – an art perfected by age ten from sneaking through my house in my formative years from trying to not wake up my step-dad who slept lightly – before I found the right room. I snuck in, looming ominously over the sleeping lump with hair that seemed all the whiter under the moonlight, and hugged the being.

There was a moment of displacement as he shrunk, but in a moment I had a rat clutched in my arms, and I grinned. Ah, the joys of being female. I hated Yuki so _damn_ much…

What should I do to him? Drown him? Stab him? Feed the sleeping rodent to a cat (perhaps Kyou)? The idea of killing him turned my stomach, despite my knowledge that, as far as I was concerned, he was still a fictional character. I killed fictional characters all the time, but to actually do the deed _physically_…

I shuddered, clutched the rat closer, and made my escape. I had nothing against rats. In fact, I quite liked them after my fifth grade year when we had them as class pets. But Yuki was insufferable. I wouldn't kill him, but…

An idea popped into my head then, and I could only grin. Yes, that would be sufficient retribution.

* * *

After another six hours or so, I saw teenagers making their way to school. It wasn't hard to follow them; it was the middle of winter (strange, as it had been summer in the part of the manga I was reading, and mid-Spring in reality-land), and long black coats weren't too uncommon. The fact that I was obviously Caucasian didn't make much of a difference either.

With Yuki-the-rat still hugged to my chest (he was a deeper sleeper than I had thought) and concealed beneath my coat, no one really gave me any second looks. At the school that I had followed some girls to – they looked kind of like the girls from the Yuki fanclub that I saw in the manga, except, y'know, not 2-D – I figured it was Yuki's. It wasn't hard to figure out which classroom was Yuki's either, since the fangirls were talking pretty loud.

It must have been an English translation or something, because as a second-year student I definitely couldn't have understood half of what the people around me said otherwise. I was soon in the room – still vacant – and set down the rat on a random desk before darting off.

I stayed within the vicinity of course. Students arrived slowly, some commenting on the silver-white rat that was in the room, but most ignored it. I can't say why. Yuki woke up after a few minutes, and I could see that he only barely kept himself from speaking.

I could imagine the wheels turning in his head. How had he gotten to school? How long had he been there? How much longer did he have before he turned back to normal? Would that be enough time for Touru (the bitch) to rescue him? Or better yet, for him to scurry home? Maybe this was all a dream...

Well, I imagine that's what he was thinking. All I know of him I learned in manga (I couldn't stand the thought of watching the anime, or reading fanfiction for it to get a better feel for the shoddy characters. Before now, I had no desire to.

Okay, I still don't, but it would be fun to know what he was thinking! Maybe I could get his brother here, hug him too, and see if animal instinct took over?

As that thought occurred to me, there was a clamor as a girl with dark brown hair and a boy with vivid orange hair entered the classroom. It took a moment before I realized who they were, and in tha instant, before either could react to the frantic rat in the room, it changed.

A very naked Souma Yuki was now sitting on his desk.

It was chaos.

I grinned.

Suddenly, a figure cloaked in black swung into the room and grabbed Kyou around the middle, dragging him down the hall.

"Good job Stalker," he stated with a manic grin before toting his catch away.

I stared after him for a moment. "Thanatos?" But, of course, he was gone, and I turned back to the chaos I had caused. Gods, Yuki was a scrawny bastard. Why did he have a fan club?

Still, my job was done, and I left.

Hopefully I'll be able to go home soon. If not... well, I can irk more of the Souma clan, can't I?

**Author's Note: Yeah... I'm weird. I came up with the idea for this one while talking with Thanatos (by the way, his is not the only cameo that will be in these one-shots), and social homicide seemed a great way to destroy Yuki. I hate hime. H. A. T. E. Mind, I'm not overly fond of Furuba as a whole, but Yuki just makes me want to... kill things. Maybe punch a snowman?**

**Not sure what I'll do next. We'll see.**


End file.
